so if you haven’t gotten around to watching the women in prison/kung fu/lesbian sexfest/zombie movie that is Shadow: Dead Riot, you should probably do that quickly. it stars the guy from Candyman along with a bunch of chicks who look like they probably once posed for Suicide Girls, plus a couple of black chicks and a girl who i think might be a man. it’s about a women’s prison that’s haunted by the ghost of a voodoo practicing serial killer named Shadow (yes very scary, i know) and he was executed at the prison years before (spoiler alert: exploding electric chair scene) but vows to return from the dead and get revenge…or something.

it’s probably the best/worst piece of shit i’ve seen this year in that it has all the things that one would want in a movie (tits, kung fu, more tits, chicks with tats, voodoo rituals, blood, and guts, exploding serial killers) unfortunately the writer behind this piece of b-movie trash forgot the first lesson in making a good horror movie…leave out the plot. you already had me with zombies and women in prison…why would you want to try and create this pointless Star Wars-esque plot involving the villain Shadow being the father of our hero, the ass kicking Solitaire? all it did was slow everything down and force you to listen to the pointless dialogue instead of marveling at the shitty special effects and the scene where the chicks gets her heart ripped out. apparently an unrated cut of this movie exists…but netflix are pussies and don’t have it available. there were a couple of choice scenes that made me laugh my ass off, like the attack of the zombie baby and the flying kung fu kick final battle sequence…so i can’t really be too harsh.

 

anyways if you like zombie movies and boobs this is probably the movie you have been waiting your whole life for. also if you’d been wondering what the guy who played Candyman has been up to, well here’s your answer. so yeah Shadow Dead Riot is something i’d recommend to people who like shitty horror movies but just don’t be fooled by the preview that makes it seem like a grindhouse style movie from the 70s.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOFIFHQP84I

Posted by justin on 28 Aug 2007 at 08:30 am

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The ongoing debate over whether or not children are lemons has escalated in recent days. Ronald Marquez of Phoenix, Arizona, firmly entrenched in the “children are lemons” camp died because of his beliefs. Local Arizona news stations reported yesterday that police found Marquez “allegedly performing [an] exorcism” on his 3-year-old granddaughter, and had to taser him to get him to stop choking the girl. The taser attack proved fatal. Police believe it was an exorcism because the little girl’s mother was “naked and clutching a religious icon and was covered in blood,” though honestly I think that’s circumstantial at best. The truth, I’m afraid, may be much more lemony.

Did Marquez believe his granddaughter was a lemon? Investigators claim that Marquez was “trying to squeeze or extract demons from the child,” which is even more worrying if you consider the likely possibility that the “d” in “demons” is an unfortunate typo.

And what of these police that resorted to lethal force to end the toddler-juicing? I think it’s clear that they were believers in the Not Lemons Doctrine, likely bolstered by recent Youtube videos claiming to prove that children and lemons are incompatible.

Will we ever know the truth? No. Maybe. I don’t know.

Posted by Mat on 30 Jul 2007 at 04:22 pm

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