Hillary Brown: Okay, so Mr. Brown is laid up with his newly removed tonsil-less throat healing, so it’s given us the opportunity to work on the list some more. He doesn’t feel like writing, however, so I’ll do the duties, and you’ll simply have to deal with pure text, as Wordpress is being its usual amount of difficult and refusing to upload images. 

It’s really hard to make yourself get around to watching some of these films, even as you know they’re probably on a lot of lists because they’re actually great, not just because of their vaunted reputation, and The Best Years of Our Lives is on most of them. It won seven Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director (William Wyler), Best Screenplay, and both Best Actor (Frederic March) and Best Supporting Actor (Harold Russell). Still, despite all its credentials, it just sounds so depressing: three men deal with the trauma of having served in World War II after they return home. Well, one of the things that’s impressive about the movie is the way it conveys that trauma without ever becoming slow or dour or mopey. Even though Wyler rarely gets mentioned as being among the greats, director-wise, he was a consummate pro, and he knew how to keep things moving along.

One could complain that the ending is a little neat in the way it resolves the men’s difficulties (March’s alcoholism, Russell’s fear of marriage and intimacy, and Dana Andrews’s love story and career anxieties), but it manages to give them all hope without necessarily solving their problems completely. Those problems are fixed on the surface, but there’s still a sense of lingering emotional difficulties, which is one of the real achievements of the movie: it manages to suggest a lot without directly addressing issues too controversial for American studio film at the time. For example, why doesn’t Harold Russell, who has hooks for hands due to wartime bombing of his ship (note that Russell wasn’t an actor and didn’t really go on to become one; he’s just a real guy with hooks for hands), want to marry his fiancee, Wilma, even though she still very much wants to marry him? At first, he makes the excuse that it’s because she looks at him differently, as does his family. Then he shows her what happens when he goes to bed and removes his hooks, leaving him helpless until someone can help him put them back on; it’s presented as a matter of shame and vulnerability, of his embarrassment but also not wanting to subject her to a life of caretaking. The question that’s never addressed but that occurs to anyone watching the film is that of sex–what kind of a romantic life can he offer her? And it’s a tension that, while not mentioned in the film, fills their scenes with a greater pathos and anxiety, as well as one that’s unresolved at the conclusion.

The film suggests a lot about the fate of the returning soldiers through the other two main characters, played by March and Andrews. The latter is highly medalled, and we see that he grew up on the wrong side of the tracks (or right next to them, actually), marrying a gold-digging hussy (Virginia Mayo) right before he left to fly planes. But, despite the fact that my grandfather, and your grandparents, too, I’m sure, always told me that, back in the day, businesses were happy to hire smart people with little or no experience and train them for a job, that doesn’t hold true in the film. The only thing Andrews has ever done, other than bombing, is work as a soda jerk in a pharmacy, and that’s the only job he can get after the war. The pharmacy itself has been sold to a big company and is no longer locally owned. Basically, labor has been devalued. We see this just as much from March’s story, despite his much better position. Having worked at a bank before the war and been fairly wealthy, he’s offered a new, better position at the same institution upon his return, administering GI loans, but the bank is reluctant to make good on the government’s promises, making excuses about shareholders and collateral and the like. And although, in the end, Andrews ends up with a better job and March drunkenly expresses his dismay at the situation, none of the fundamentals change.

The title, too, contributes to thoughtfulness at the end of the film, rather than woo woo America flag waving. Although Mayo’s character says briefly, “I gave you the best years of my life,” that statement simply seems to have provided a push toward the title. Whose lives? What years? Is it ironic? Does it mean that the current years are the best years of these men’s lives, or that they’re the opposite? Does it mean that the years they spent fighting, seeing death and destruction but also achieving camaraderie with their fellows in the name of a greater cause, were the best years of their lives, and now those years are over? Does it suggest that being at war is simpler and easier than returning from it? Or that that attitude is naive? Does it say something about those left behind on the homefront, waiting and watching? Whatever it says, it could be saying a lot of these things, which is part of what makes it a great film.

Posted by teambrown on 28 May 2008 at 08:44 am

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Dear George Lucas and Steven Spielberg,

my name is justin robinson and i have a bone to pick. first off let me go ahead and thank both of you for my awesome childhood. you guys were as a much a part of me growing up as anything else. you helped entertain and expand my imagination like no two other people in Hollywood as either the director or producer of ET, Star Wars, Close Encounters, Goonies, Back To The Future, Gremlins, and countless other films, hell even Willow was awesome…but above them all sat one man, Indiana fucking Jones. the greatest character in movie history….and now you’ve gone and fucked with that. in your old age you guys have both lost whatever spark once brought us all such joy. it was bad enough that you completely ruined Star Wars, but Indiana Jones?!?! that’s unfuckingforgivable. the new Jones’ adventure is beyond all things silly, kinda boring, and not that much fun. not to mention Cate Blanchett totally sucks every second she’s on the screen and the overwhelming amount of obvious greenscreen takes all the thrill out of almost every action sequence. and don’t get me started on the “treasure”. i got one word for your new movie, LAME. okay, maybe i’m being a little too harsh. it’s honestly not a terrible movie…it’s just not nearly as awesome as Iron Man, or the Bourne Movies, or a lot of other recent action movies i’ve seen that i don’t have nearly the emotional attachments to. i guess the word LAME should be changed to DISAPPOINTING…but then again, i should have learned my lesson from you guys a long time ago. it’s about making money, not making awesome movies.

so yeah, thanks a lot for fucking with my childhood again. you guys are a bunch of out of touch douchebags and Spielberg should stick to the one genre he still does well, World War II movies. Lucas should just stay away from every creation he’s ever come up with because he just turns them to shit. whatever, fuck you guys.

your pal,

justin

Posted by justin on 23 May 2008 at 01:34 pm

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Ruby Ruby Isle is in the final stages with Night Shot. The Cover is done (courtesy of Chris Bilheimer) and final mastering is being done with Jacques Wait as I write. The album features two guest appearances. One from my other bandmate Amy Dykes and one from… are you ready?.. Tay Zonday. I am so excited!!!

We also have 3 videos in the works from 3 very different directors, so it should be very interesting to see what comes of it.

Today, check out the cover… Its crazy Boston influence is apparent, Bilheimer is a genius.

Posted by dan on 06 May 2008 at 10:42 am

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Ok, so, I know that like OMFG teh bestest game EVARZ or whatever just came out, but seriously, put that down for a little bit and go download Team Fortress 2 because it’s totally free all weekend and it’s like OMFG teh bestest multiplayer game EVARZ (well, second only to maybe Combat on the 2600).

Posted by nick on 01 May 2008 at 08:53 pm

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Once again, Ryan put me aboard the Guilt Trip Express and asked if I’d post a lil’ recap for us to discuss the latest (and awesomer) episode of Lost. So without further “a-choo-choo,” here’s my lame attempt at being Jeff Jensen from EW.com…

A little over a month ago, after “The Constant” was done warping my mind, I remember telling myself, “Wow. An episode that brilliant only comes around once in a long while.” Little did I know it was actually twice in the same season?! Drew Goddard and Brian K. Vaughan gave us something absolutely amazing last night. A jaw-dropping episode that featured twists, turns, and actually made us feel sorry for Ben?! That’s an emotion I never thought I’d feel for him…

It all started off with the doctor from the freighter washing up on shore, throat slit and looking like he’d been in the water for some time. (An interesting turn came later in the show, when they were able to make contact with said freighter, only to hear that the doctor was still alive and on the boat?! Were they lying, or is it possible to be two places at once…with this time difference that seems to be taking place off the island?!)

From there, we’re taken to Ben’s house and a friendly game of Risk that Hurley, Locke and Sawyer are taking place in. I’m guessing that Hurley telling Saywer, “Australia is the key.” is going to be a bigger piece of the overall puzzle. Then the phone suddenly rings, a recording of a woman’s voice repeating “CODE 14J, CODE 14J” is on the other end, and Ben’s pulling shotguns out from the piano stools! “They’re here!”

Next we find Ben out in the middle of the desert, wearing a winter coat (with a new Dharma logo, and the name “Halliwax” stitched across it, I might add!) and beating down some Arabs with a lead pipe and then using their automatic weapons against them. This kicked all sorts of ass for a number of reasons. #1. It gave us a sense that there is a lot, A LOT more to Ben then we’ve been allowed to see thus far, and all these times he’s found himself outnumbered, beaten up, locked away…he could have easily turned the tables and kicked some ass…but he chose not to. Fuuuuuuuck, that’s just so interesting. #2. He’s in the middle of the desert, wearing a winter jacket, with no footprints around him, and in fact, the ground seems to be shattered all around his body…HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET THERE?! I can’t wait until they get to the next Dharma station and reveal that they’re able to teleport (and/or time travel!)

Holy shit…the next scene with Ben’s “daughter” Alex having a gun held to her head why Ben tries and negotiate his way out of it all. I mean, I didn’t see this coming. Ben is always, ALWAYS one step ahead. When Keamy orders Ben outside and Ben turns the tables around by laying out a number of specifics about Keamy’s life up until that point and orders Keamy to turn around and head back to the freighter, I just assumed that Ben knew a way out of this afterall. He did too. He was confident, in control, smooth…

…and all of that changed with Keamy handing the walkie talkie to Alex to say her final words to her Father. He gave Ben one last chance to step out of the house to surrender, and Ben countered with telling Keamy that he’s wasting his time, that Alex isn’t his daughter, just a “Bastard in a basket…” Wait…that might be from something else…

Regardless, Keamy pulls the trigger, shoots Alex right in the head, and shocks Ben to his core. (um, us at home too…I couldn’t believe what just happened…I kept waiting for her to get up, for it to be a trick…something other than this cold hearted mother fucker killing this innocent girl with the gun pressed against her temple…)

For what it’s worth, Ben felt the same way. In fact, the next scene that followed was Locke and Saywer struggling to get more ammo, get situated for another line of attacks, all while the camera stays on Ben…staring out that window, looking at his dead daughter lying there on the ground, eyes as wide open as we’ve ever seen them (and that’s saying something, cause that goofy bastard has some biiiiiiiig eyeballs) and just uttering the words, “He…broke the rules,” under his breath.

The mourning was in short order however, as Ben walked into another secret room, (behind the other secret room) and when he stepped out again (Is this when he woke up in the desert?!, Did he go call the Smoke Monster on the phone?!, where the fuck did that backdoor lead?!) he was a changed man. Focused and direct, he led the rest of them outside to witness Smokey having the gunmen for a nice snack, then made their way towards “the cabin.”

I’m leaving out TONS of details, but by now you’ve no doubt read better analysis elsewhere. The final scene though…it turned the “focus” of this incredible show on its head once again. Ben walks into Whitmore’s hotel room, in the middle of the night, and tells him, “Now I’m going to kill your daughter.” And with those few words, all of Lost’s fanbase screamed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT PENNY!!!” At least we’re going to get a massive showdown between Sayid and Desmond later on, (which is ironic that they’re kind of bonding now on the freighter.)

So discuss on, Kindernerds…tell me what you thought and let’s discuss what’s going to happen to Jack next week! (He better hurry up and get off that island if he’s indeed pregnant!!!)

Posted by Travis Fox on 26 Apr 2008 at 03:12 pm

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Indie games are fucking rad and everybody should be playing them.

“But Nick!” you exclaim, “They’re all for PC and I’m firmly entrenched in Jobsland! Nobody makes games for Mac!”

Well, I am here to educate you. After this post, you will have no excuse to not be playing awesome free indie games all the freaking time. Check this out!

Cave Story is, quite possibly, one of the main catalysts of the modern indie game scene. It’s a metroidvania style game with gorgeous pixel graphics and an amazing chiptune soundtrack. If you dig platformers, especially with a heavy dose of exploration, definitely play this one. The above link takes you to a page with instructions on how to download a mac version and apply the english translation patch.

ABA Games aka Kenta Cho is a brilliant man. He makes old school shmups with beautifully simple graphics. Calling them “retro” doesn’t quite give them enough credit though; he definetly has a style all his own. There’s mac ports of some of his best games here and here. I recommend rRootage, and my personal favorite of his, Tumiki Fighters (the second of which is currently being remade as a Wii game.) His website is also charmingly full of engrish. If you can play these games with a joystick or gamepad, they get exponentially better, but are still more than playable with a keyboard.

Dwarf Fortress is quite possibly the most hardcore game you will ever play. Actually, no, it is the most hardcore game you will ever play. It’s so hardcore, it requires reading the games own wiki before you can even stratch the surface. It’s an oddly simple premise though: you have a bunch of Dwarves and you help them built a fortress. The level of simulation in this game, however, would make Will Wright blush. Everything is simulated here, from the moods, relationships, and interests of each individual Dwarf, to a full ecosystem and weather, to rival Dwarven clans and enemy goblin camps, and even potentially friendly human settlers. All of this in real time, and in multiple levels above and below ground. It even generates the entire world on the fly when you start a new game, including thousands of years of pre-history (most of which you can actually find evidence of as you explore the world). The level of freedom in this game is also pretty unparalleled. Why is this game not the only game anybody ever plays? Well, as stated before, it’s hardcore with a capital HARDCORE. Partially due to the difficulty of the game itself, but mostly due to the graphics and interface. The graphics are entirely ASCII and the interface is almost completely keyboard driven. What little mouse control there is at all is barely worth mentioning. There are some graphical patches you can download, which I highly recommend if you aren’t squeamish about moving around files and editing config scripts. If you can get yourself into this game, then prepare for some sleepless nights as you obsess over your smiley little Dwarves and their virtual Dwarven lives.

N is a hardcore platform game about a ninja collecting gold while dodging killer robots. What more do you need, really? You may recall that there was recently an enhance version of this game released under the title N+ on X-Box Live Arcade. The original is still free, and still pretty damned good. Hard to play with the keyboard though…

Battle for Wesnoth is not only Indie, it’s also completely open source! This is easily one of the most polished games out there distributed under the GPL. If you like the Fire Emblem games, or any turn-based strategy games or board games, you will dig Wesnoth.

All these games are free and available for your operating system. There’s really no excuse why you shouldn’t be playing them right now. So yeah, go do it already!

Posted by nick on 26 Apr 2008 at 02:54 am

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so after taking about all i could stomach of the Atlanta Hawks asskicking handed to them by the loathsome Boston Celtics and their fair weather fans, i ventured forth into the night and headed on down to the famous 40 watt to check out Black Rebel Motorcyle Club.
it’d been a number of years since last i saw the BRMC and i was glad to know that BRMC still stands very much for Bad Ripoff Mary Chain more than anything. they still got the all-black getups and stupid haircuts and the tunes to match. songs with lines like “suicides easy, what happened to the revolution ” are on point with that image and they also still make up for the fact that they have zero charisma with smoke machines and strobe lights. the lights were so fuckin’ bright that they damn near blinded me and the strobes sent me into fits of seizure. now i wouldn’t say the BRMC boys are bad, honestly i kinda like their songs cuz they just sound like a couple of bands i already like anyway and you can make out to their music, which is always nice…but honestly they’re the kinda band that you’d be better served to listen to on your own time in your car, in your ipod machine, or on the stereo. no need really to pay 15 bucks to watch ‘em stand around like a couple of statues changin’ guitars every other song and staring at their shoes. not that i’m complainin’ or anything, i got in for free and a free show is a free show is a free show.
all in all the show last night felt weird because it’s about 5 or 6 years since the last time i saw them and that was back when they were, i don’t know the word for it, relevant maybe. seeing them last night in a half full room reminded me a lot of seeing a band like Teenage Fanclub late in their career who’d had an alternative rock hit in the early 90s and then stuck around way too damn long afterwards, never gettin’ bigger than that first blast of popularity and out lasting their usefulness by nearly half a decade. but hey, that’s the fucking game. some people can work it (sonic youth comes to mind) and others are lost and forgotten, still touring and putting out records and hoping against hope that their star might shine bright again, when we all know the damn thing already went supernova and they’re turning into a black hole from which no amount of creativity and/or originality might ever escape again.

Posted by justin on 24 Apr 2008 at 05:01 pm

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Read it all HERE

Posted by ryan on 17 Apr 2008 at 03:38 pm

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sometimes you are just trying to google the word Officially to make sure you are spelling it right and you find a link to someone’s blog with something so nerdy and amazing the world at large must see it. this is one of those moments. 

What Tolkien Officially Said About Elf Sex

By Tyellas

Summary: A cross-referenced list of everything Tolkien said about elf sex. Update Note: ANOTHER linguistic update: it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that yérë. From Tolkien word-lists published in 2004. Read this essay translated into German here!

Warnings: Rated PG, actual footnotes and bibliographic references.

Please do not reproduce or repost this essay without permission from the author. First posted March 1, 2002. Some readers visit for a laugh, some for information. Make of it what you will!

Introduction

Ever since the movie of the book Fellowship of the Ring came out, there seem to be two popular ideas about Elves’ sex lives. Either they are radiantly asexual, or they are all screwing each other madly, along with any dwarves, hobbits, and men who happen along. Whichever you prefer is usually based on how attractive you think Orlando Bloom is. Tolkien’s history of Middle-Earth provides us with some information about elvish sex lives. I collected these originally as a fic-writing reference. 

All this information includes its original text citation. An important source is the essay “Laws and Customs of the Eldar,” published in the book Morgoth’s Ring, History of Middle-Earth. This essay is referenced so often here that references to it are labeled with the acronym LACE. The LACE essay also discusses Elvish marriage and childbirth in detail, but that’s outside the scope of this piece. The acronym HME refers to a book in the History of Middle-Earth series. A complete bibliography is included at the end. 

It’s helpful to consider that when Tolkien set up elvish social systems, he was in a way creating his own ideal people, based on his own values. It’s also grounding to remember that this essay describes what Tolkien said about fantasy people in a fantasy world.

Good and Bad News About Elf Libidos

The good news is that elves like sex. “The union of love is indeed to them great delight and joy.” (LACE) The bad news is that elves tend to lose interest in sex after they’ve had kids. “With the exercise of the power (of generation), the desire soon ceases, and the mind turns to other things…they have many other urges of body and of mind which their nature urges them to fulfil.” They do look back happily on the sexually-active time in their lives, though, a period of one to several hundred years. (LACE) Also, “they are seldom swayed by the desires of the body only, but are by nature continent and steadfast.” (LACE) Sorry.

Androgynous Elves

Elves were indeed androgynous. It’s established that elf guys were beardless (History of Galadriel and Celeborn, UF) There’s one contradiction in this in Círdan’s being bearded. (The Grey Havens, ROTK) Tolkien describes the differences between the elvish sexes as follows in LACE: 

“In all such things not concerned with the bringing forth of children, the neri and nissi (that is, the men and women) of the Eldar are equal…there was less difference in strength and speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals.” 

He goes on to explain differences in career preferences between the sexes and concludes with “But all these things, and other matters of labor and play…may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi.” Among the elf people of the Noldor, elf women make bread. “Yet the cooking and preparing of other food is generally a task and pleasure of (elf-)men.” (LACE) I assume they eat a lot of barbecue and elaborately prepared red sauce, then. 

Sex = Marriage, Even On the Run

Tolkien describes elvish marriage in detail in the LACE essay. What he states about sex and marriage…well, I can’t do any better than to quote him directly. He notes that, among his fantasy people in Middle-Earth, “Marriage is chiefly of the body, for it is achieved by bodily union, and its first operation is the begetting of the bodies of children, even though it endures beyond this and has other operations. And the union of bodies in marriage is unique, and no other union resembles it.” 

It follows from this that, among the Elves, “It was the act of bodily union that achieved marriage…it was at all times lawful for any of the Eldar, both being unwed, to marry thus of free consent one to the other without ceremony or witness…in flight and exile and wandering, such marriages were often made.” Tolkien then proceeds immediately to a discussion of begetting of children. So, “marrying thus of free consent” means that the elf-man and elf-woman involved agree to be life partners, and that there is no excuse for elf casual sex. 

Then again, Tolkien does mention that Celeborn was “the lover of Galadriel, who she later wedded.” This comment does date back to an early set of notes when Celeborn’s name, in Quenya, was Teleporno. You can see why he changed that one. (History of Galadriel and Celeborn, UF)  

Happy Begetting-Day To You! 

Elves do not remember and celebrate the day that they were born as the day they came into existence. Instead, they celebrate the day their parents begat them. That’s the day their parents had the sex that conceived them. (LACE) Apparently, there was some parental will involved in the act of begetting. Either that, or they were having so little sex that it was easy to remember. “Pregnant? How did that happen? Oh, that Thursday three turns of the seasons ago. Oh yeah…”  This seems like a good moment to mention that Tolkien was Catholic, so this was compatible with his religion and belief system.

The Facts of Elf Life

So, sex equals marriage, and begetting is considered important. Some more elvish facts of life, all sourced from LACE. Regarding elvish pregnancy, “A year passed between the begetting and the birth of an elf-child, so that the days of both are the same, or nearly so.” Elvish childhood and adolescence lasted until the age of approximately 50 years. Elves tended to marry soon after coming of age, with a one-year engagement being standard. Elves did not say they “had a baby,” they said “a baby is given to us.” The most kids an elf couple ever had were seven, the sons of Fëanor and Nerdanel. Tolkien said absolutely nothing about elf puberty. Nonetheless, I assume it occurs.

Quenya For “You Sexy Things”*? 

A scholar of elvish languages, Helge Fauskanger (web site Ardalambion,) once said that “Somewhere there may be a sealed envelope containing a piece of paper with the Elvish designations of the genitals, furtively set down by Tolkien behind locked doors.” Somebody has found the envelope. The publication of materials from Tolkien’s archived 1920s wordlists of “Early Noldorin” has revealed that these designations do exist, at least in Quenya (thanks due to the astute Delalyra for noting that this information had become available.)

We begin with the essential parts; the Quenya term is in italics, and Tolkien’s preferred English or Latin designation is in quotes. First, huch, “cunnus”, and móna, “womb”, are for the elf-women; vië, “membranum vir.”, is for the elf-men. Everybody has hacca, “hams/buttocks”, and everybody can get helda, that is, unclothed/naked. This accomplished, provided the elf-couple are appropriately married, it is time to attend to the marital duty of puhta, “coitus” (noun), though hopefully the pair’s activity can be referred to with the verb púcë, a slightly gentler term that refers to that activity with a “poetic or archaic” meaning. (Parma Eldalamberion, Issue 13) All of these body parts and activities were given an erotic frisson by yérë, a noun which, based on the Quenya word-root YER, probably means “sexual desire”. (Vinyar Tengwar, Issue 46).

Another term is Quenya nosta / Sindarin onna, beget. The source for this is Treebeard’s farewell to Galadriel and Celeborn in “Many Partings,” ROTK. This farewell includes the Quenya phrase “O vanimar, vanimalion nostari“, translated in The End of the Third Age, in the chapter discussing Many Partings, footnote 16, as “fair ones begetters of fair ones.” There is a related early Quenya noun, ontâro, meaning begetter/masculine parent. The early Quenya word wegê, meaning manhood or vigor, may be open to a variety of interpretations, and is indeed etymologically linked to the Quenya term vie. There was also a Quenya word meaning virgin, rod, as in Rodwen, “High Virgin Noble (female).” (Maeglin, The War of the Jewels, HME)

That is it for Official Tolkien Linguistic References to Elf Sex.

Normal Elves And The Ones Tolkien Wrote About

Tolkien in LACE says that elves normally married young, in their early adulthood, which would have been at 50 to 100 years old. He says that this is normal for elves and that elves who did otherwise had “strange fates.” (LACE) He then goes on to present us with large amounts of elf characters who marry late in life (Galadriel, Elrond, Idril, Lúthien, Aredhel, Eöl, Thingol) or not at all (Legolas, Finrod, half the sons of Fëanor) or whose marital status is vague and unknown (Glorfindel, Gil-Galad). Fëanor is the best example of this happy early marriage. But then, he had an exceptional amount of kids (seven). And his wife left him. (Shibboleth of Fëanor, Peoples of Middle-Earth, HME) Possibly the elvish upper classes, who Tolkien wrote about almost exclusively, delayed marriage for sociopolitical reasons. 

Very Wicked Deeds

Tolkien had some thoughts on elves and the crime of rape. In the original version of one Silmarillion story, “Eöl found…the sister of King Turgon astray in the wild near his dwelling, and he took her to wife by force: a very wicked deed in the eyes of the Eldar.” (Quendi and Eldar essay, footnote 9, War of the Jewels, HME) Indeed. Eöl seems to have been Tolkien’s 1 Evil Elf character, using poison, friendly with Dwarves, bad-tempered and secretive, trying to kill his son. 

Over the long run, Tolkien seems to have changed his mind about the possibility of elves using rape, as shown in the following paragraph. In the final version of the tale of Eöl and Aredhel, Aredhel was “not unwilling”, although Eöl did use enchantments to lure her in. (Simarillion) “Seldom is any tale told of deeds of lust among them.” (LACE) Thus rape, molestation, and downloading slash all seem to have been out of the question for 99.9% of elves. 

When they’re raped, elves die, according to Tolkien’s footnote to this sentence. The footnote also overlaps with why elves don’t have adultery:

 “Among all these evils there is no record of any among the Elves that took another’s spouse by force; for this was wholly against their nature, and one so forced would have rejected bodily life and passed to Mandos. Guile or trickery in this matter was scarcely possible…for the Eldar can read at once in the eyes and voice of another whether they be wed or unwed.” (LACE footnote 5) 

This is a bit of a contradiction with the torment/implied rape of Celebrían. (Tale of Years, ROTK) Possibly elves may endure sex under duress if they’ve got some reason to hang ..wards, but this is my idea, not Tolkien’s. 

Men in Tolkien’s backstory seem to “wive by force” a lot more. Rape and forced marriage are plot points in several stories of Men. He also breaks the incest taboo with Turin and Nienor, whereupon they both die tragically. Speaking of tragic… 

Interspecies Sex Is Tragic

Elves who marry/love/have sex with mortal Men basically have “strange fates.” There are four such recorded marriages in Tolkien canon: Beren and Lúthien, Idril and Tuor, Aragorn and Arwen, and Mithrellas and the first Lord of Dol Amroth. Mithrellas didn’t stick around; she ran away from her husband (History of Galadriel and Celeborn, UF). Beren and Lúthien, and Aragorn and Arwen, wound up with the elf-ladies becoming mortal. This means that not only do they die instead of living an immortal Elf life, their souls leave the world and spend eternity with Men’s souls. Idril and Tuor managed to scrape up a happy ending, sailing together into the West and being accepted there. (Silmarillion)

There is also a recorded instance of an elf-man falling in love with a human woman. (Legolas fans, please stay calm.) They didn’t get married, though. This very depressing story, of bold Aegnor and wise Andreth, is told in “Athrabeth Finrod ah Andreth”, or the Debate of Finrod and Andreth. (Morgoth’s Ring, HME) It is full of reasons why elf/human social intercourse is wrong and ill-starred. 

Give Me Lots of Hair, Shoulder Length Or Longer

“All the Eldar had beautiful hair (and were especially attracted by hair of exceptional loveliness).” (The Shibboleth of Fëanor, The Peoples of Middle-Earth, HME) An odd little throwaway, remarkable because it’s one of our only hints about what turns elves on. Beautiful voices are also implied to be attractive. The most ravishing elf ever, Lúthien, used enchantment to grow her hair extremely long. This may have been the elves’ erotic equivalent of being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue. 

Kissin’ Cousins

Elves had a strong incest taboo, clearly stated in the Silmarillion when Maeglin got the hots for his first cousin Idril: “And the Eldar wedded not with kin so near, nor had any before ever desired to do so.” (Of Maeglin, The Silmarillion.)

The taboo seems to have lifted for second cousins. Notes in “Of Maeglin” in the Silmarillion imply that this twist of Maeglin’s was part of the curse of Mandos upon the Noldor. Notes in Morgoth’s Ring imply that, if you were first cousins but your uncle was your father’s half-brother, this abrogated the incest taboo enough that marriage was an option.  Further notes to LACE, strangely following the footnotes (page 234 in my copy) discuss other incest-taboo overlap possibilities that beautiful immortals have to worry about. “None of the Eldar married those in direct line of descent, nor children of the same parents, nor the sister or brother of either of their parents; nor did they wed half-sisters or half-brothers.” (LACE)

Were There Gay Elves?
Why, certainly elves were gay. “Many Meetings” in FOTR clearly states that some were merry as children, while others…Oh. You mean homosexual elves. 

To disappoint slash writers everywhere, there were no clear statements of elf homosexuality. There weren’t even any unclear ones. The most suggestive elf/elf pair are Fingon* and Maedhros, rescuing each other and sending each other presents just because. (Narn i Hîn Húrin, UF) But even they have less eyebrow-raising stuff going on in 500 years than Sam and Frodo managed to pack into one day. 

Although Tolkien never said that the elves DID have hot gay sex, he also never said that they DIDN’T. And I know what I make of that.  

One last perplexing note from LACE is that Elves do not change sex, even if they are being reincarnated. But that’s a whole other story.

Footnotes and Reader Thanks

• A reader has kindly provided a possible Quenya translation of the phrase “you sexy thing”: nalyë nat vanya. A literal translation of this is “you beautiful thing,” but I can just imagine it being used in context. Thanks to Cheribin, and to a later reader who provided a correction.

• Was Fingon married or not? There are contradictory notes about this, and I can’t say yes or no. The Silmarillion says yes, he was, and that he was the father of Gil-Galad, noted in the chapter “Of the Rings of Power and the Third Age.” Gil-Galad’s mother is never mentioned by name. However, a note in Peoples of Middle-Earth says that Tolkien changed his mind and specifically noted that Fingon “had no child or wife.” This is footnote 35 to the essay The Shibboleth of Fëanor.

• Thanks to a reader in Australia for notes that led to an update to the paragraphs “Interspecies Sex is Tragic” and a reader in the Netherlands who noted the above correction re: Fingon’s marital status.

If you read this far, you might be interested in another piece by Tyellas, the indubitably serious essay Warm Beds are Good: Sex and Libido in Tolkien’s Writing.

Bibliography
The Fellowship of the Ring (FOTR), J.R.R. Tolkien, Ballantine Books, 1954.

Morgoth’s Ring: The Later Silmarillion Part One, Volume 10 of The History of Middle Earth, J.R.R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin Co, 1993.  Source for: “Laws and Customs of the Eldar” (LACE), “The Debate of Finrod and Andreth.”

The End of the Third Age, Volume 14 of The History of Middle Earth, J.R.R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin Co, 1997.

The Peoples of Middle-Earth, Volume 12 of The History of Middle Earth, J.R.R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin Co, 1996.
Source for: “The Shibboleth of  Fëanor.”

Parma Eldalamberion, Issue 13, Elvish Linguistic Fellowship of the Mythopoetic Society, “Early Noldorin Fragments” article, 2002. “The journal regularly publishes new primary materials from the Tolkien archives.” This issue is sold out.

The Return of the King (ROTK), J.R.R. Tolkien, Ballantine Books, 1955.

The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien. Ballantine Books, 1977.

The War of the Jewels: The Later Silmarillion Part Two, Volume 11 of The History of Middle Earth, J.R.R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin Co, 1994. Source for: “Maeglin,” “Quendi and Eldar.”

Unfinished Tales of Numénor and Middle-Earth (UF), J.R.R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien. Houghton Mifflin Co, 1980. Source for: “Narn i Hîn Húrin,” “The History of Galadriel and Celeborn.” 

Vinyar Tengwar, issue 46, published by the Elvish Linguistic Fellowship, 2004. Note that Vinyar Tengwar occasionally publishes materials that are released from the Tolkien estate archives.

Feedback is welcome to Tyellas@hotmail.com  

Click on the link below to view the author’s Tolkien adult fanfic (PG to NC-17) site. If you don’t want to see Tolkien adult fanfic, don’t click.

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Posted by justin on 07 Apr 2008 at 10:02 am

2 Comments »

So, I beat Assassin’s Creed a couple days ago. Man! What a disappointing game! Instead of typing all the reasons why, I’m going to be lazy and just point you over to Chris Kohler’s review on the very good Wired Game | Life blog. I agree with pretty much every single word of it.

I will add, though, that I was a little more frustrated with the story than he was. He has issues with the presentation of it (namely the tendency for all the characters of the game to stand still and deliver their dialogue in tiny rooms with bad camera angles) and I agree with that, but I also have issues with the story itself. Or, more accurately, some of the stuff that happens at the periphery, because I totally dig the central story; it’s very entertaining and clever sci-fi goodness. What bugs me, though, is all this other shit they throw on top of it. Some of it is genuinely thought provoking, powerful stuff… but then they don’t do anything with it.

For example, when you complete one of your assassinations, Altair and the victim seamlessly transition into some out-of-time blue VR room, where the soon to be dearly departed expound on their motivations, Bond villain style. The interesting thing is most of these guys end up being sympathetic characters in some way. Maybe their methods are a little misguided sometimes, but their motivations are noble. This is cool! Morality that is not just black and white in a video game! What a concept! Unfortunately, revealing all of this after you’ve killed them makes it completely meaningless. Why not dole out this information in little bits before the assassination? The whole investigation structure is a perfect opportunity to do this. Instead, you have to eavesdrop on people talking about how your target will be here at a certain time, or someone has a letter with his address on it, or some other boring, superfluous detail.

Also: while the things the characters expound upon are interesting, and it’s certainly refreshing to have deep thoughts coming from a video game, they don’t really go anywhere with any of it. They never have any real impact on the greater story at large, or the game. They’re little self contained monologues that make no real conclusions or communicate any real message. I’m not saying I want them to spoon feed me answers, but it does not seem that there are even answers to be had. It seems almost irresponsible to deal with such heavy, powerful subjects and not use them to say something. The game just sorta dangles these things out there and says “hey, look at this!” and then it’s on to something else. The game takes place in the holy lands, for crying out loud. What an amazing setting! There’s so much you could do with that! The fact that it’s there is great, but it’s not enough. I was really disappointed to find out, about a third of the way through the game, that I was fighting for some silly magical mcguffin. At that moment, the game had effectively pulled all it’s punches. Why can’t Altair simply be fighting for something he believes in? This is a medium of choices; why can’t I decide not to assassinate someone after hearing their story? These questions are not answered or justified by the story of the game. They are answered, however, by the message that greets you upon booting the game:

“This work of fiction was designed, developed and produced by a multicultural team of various religious faiths and beliefs.”

Ah, ok. So, basically you’re telling me that you’re not going to talk about anything important in here for fear of offending someone. Gotcha.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all kinds of huggy hug hippy liberal, but meaningful art is never created by a committee (and what a committee, this game has one of the longest credit rolls in recent memory). Sometimes you have to step on some toes. By refusing to do so, Assassin’s Creed falls short of being truly meaningful. By trying to inject some half-assed, unoffensive deep thoughts, however, it also falls short of being successful entertainment. It ends up in the unfortunately pretentious middle ground of pulp entertainment in the guise of something deeper.

That said, I am really looking forward to the eventual sequel. Hopefully, they will learn from their gameplay design mistakes. I also hope they just concentrate on making the game a good pulp sci-fi affair, with plenty of twists and conspiracies and secret societies, and forget about the delusions of being something deeper.

Posted by nick on 27 Mar 2008 at 06:32 pm

3 Comments »