SERIOUSLY, WTF?!

We are fucked.

Posted by ryan on 23 Apr 2008 at 02:10 pm

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Yeah, yeah, yeah… “Real American Hero” bladiddy, bladiddy, blah…

You probably know that John McCain got captured in Vietnam and was tortured for 5 1/2 years and now he is one pissed off old coot, but did you also know that he is crazy, panders to racists and is prone to freakishly aggro mood swings? No, well the folks at MoveOn.org have compiled a “Hit Parade” of Ol’ Crotchety’s darker points…

Please to enjoy: 10 things you should know about John McCain (but probably don’t):

1. John McCain voted against establishing a national holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Now he says his position has “evolved,” yet he’s continued to oppose key civil rights laws.

2. According to Bloomberg News, McCain is more hawkish than Bush on Iraq, Russia and China. Conservative columnist Pat Buchanan says McCain “will make Cheney look like Gandhi.”

3. His reputation is built on his opposition to torture, but McCain voted against a bill to ban waterboarding, and then applauded President Bush for vetoing that ban.

4. McCain opposes a woman’s right to choose. He said, “I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned.”

5. The Children’s Defense Fund rated McCain as the worst senator in Congress for children. He voted against the children’s health care bill last year, then defended Bush’s veto of the bill.

6. He’s one of the richest people in a Senate filled with millionaires. The Associated Press reports he and his wife own at least eight homes! Yet McCain says the solution to the housing crisis is for people facing foreclosure to get a “second job” and skip their vacations.

7. Many of McCain’s fellow Republican senators say he’s too reckless to be commander in chief. One Republican senator said: “The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He’s erratic. He’s hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me.”

8. McCain talks a lot about taking on special interests, but his campaign manager and top advisers are actually lobbyists. The government watchdog group Public Citizen says McCain has 59 lobbyists raising money for his campaign, more than any of the other presidential candidates.

9. McCain has sought closer ties to the extreme religious right in recent years. The pastor McCain calls his “spiritual guide,” Rod Parsley, believes America’s founding mission is to destroy Islam, which he calls a “false religion.” McCain sought the political support of right-wing preacher John Hagee, who believes Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for gay rights and called the Catholic Church “the Antichrist” and a “false cult.”

10. He positions himself as pro-environment, but he scored a 0—yes, zero—from the League of Conservation Voters last year.

Also, I am not sure if you know this but John McCain is old. Like really fucking old. Crypt Keeper old. Just saying…

Now you know! And knowing is half the battle!

*NOTE: for anyone concerned with sources, check out MoveOn.org for footnotes to this list.

Posted by ryan on 07 Apr 2008 at 03:49 pm

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As some of you know I spend a few hours a day designing tombstones and catalogs full of tombstones… Today while working on our new catalog I was editing a photo and noticed the scariest monument I have ever seen in the background.

Cropped for your pleasure:

It looks like some kind of evil Nazi propaganda statue for a fascist army of giant birds!

Keep in mind that our monuments are made in China and as such, this statue is in a warehouse somewhere in the Chinese mainland… someone call Lou Dobbs, I think the Reds might finally be ready for world domination!

And we thought the bird flu was the scariest avian threat coming from Asia.

We are fucked.

Posted by ryan on 06 Feb 2008 at 03:36 pm

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Fox is trying to destroy my man John Edwards and my second choice Obama. Surprise, surprise!

Posted by ryan on 19 Dec 2007 at 01:58 pm

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…seriously? I mean I just got done watching him slog his way through the YouTube/CNN Republican Debate and I am gonna have to call bullshit on that one.

Ok “some people” are you sure we are talking about the same Fred Thompson? The one who is currently running for President correct? This Fred Thompson?!

Really?!

This Fred Thompson:

Bullshit, more like:

Posted by ryan on 28 Nov 2007 at 11:39 pm

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Want to see the writers treated fairly? Want to get your favorite shows back on the air? Head HERE and see what you can do to help!

Posted by ryan on 15 Nov 2007 at 11:36 pm

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As if the usual antics at Fox News weren’t enough, this weekend Gidget was censored during Fox’s broadcast of the Emmy’s for dropping an anti-war comment and Kathy Griffin was cut-off in the midst of actually being funny for the first time because it made baby Jesus cry. Check out the clips below:

Sally Fields on the war:

Griffin on Jesus (uncensored version):

Fox News getting all “Fair and Balanced” on the General Petraeus Congressional testimony:

Posted by ryan on 18 Sep 2007 at 12:34 pm

3 Comments »

after my post about the arm wrestling robots who are breaking everyone’s arms and how Stalone is the only one who can defeat these evil machines it reminded me of the fact that Sly Stalone got busted with ‘roids at the airport in Australia a while back. even our fucking fictionalized athletes are using performance enhancing drugs. everytime i see some asshole in one of those Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” wrist bands i want to give them one of these instead

for more on my thoughts about steroids and how they are all the fault of Captain America i will repost my former rant on the subject from a year ago:

in the growing age of controversey over athletes using performance enhancing drugs i think that it’s time to stop the witch hunt and start looking at the source of this whole problem. it’s time that we faced up to the fact that Captain America is the one to blame. i know that may not be a popular stance to take, especially in a time of war when many Americans feel the need to cling to symbols of freedom, honor, and the American Way…but facts are facts. Captain America is the original ‘roider.

a brief history lesson for people who weren’t nerds in middle school or are just unaware of popular culture: Captain America started off as a pretty normal guy. During World War II, a young Steve Rogers tried to enlist into the military, but was turned away due to his frail and sickly body. Steve Rogers was given another chance to serve his country though, as a General overheard his rejection and offered him a chance to fight the Nazis by being a part of a top-secret experiment. Steve agreed. He was given a super-solider serum and was blasted by radiation. After the process, Steves body was no longer sickly and frail but the pinnacle of human perfection. (in other words they gave the motherfucker steroids) Granted it was to fight the Nazis not crush 450 foot homers, but still he was running around kicking Nazi ass with some shrunken balls. and the US Government was totally complicit in the whole thing.

Flash forward to kids growing up in the 60s, 70’s, and 80s with dreams of being heroes on the baseball diamond and so they start taking their own super serum. So yeah, basically Stan Lee and Marvel comics owe the fans of Major League baseball a big apology. Captain America needs to start running a disclaimer on the cover of every issue and a astrick should be attached to all back issues that are ever reprinted. and the media needs to get off the backs of all the guys who were just doing what America’s greatest superhero has been doing for the past 65 years…except for Barry Bonds. fuck that guy.

we beat the Nazis with a Steroid Monster.

Posted by justin on 24 Aug 2007 at 08:43 am

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