is right HERE. Thanks Mat!

Posted by ryan on 31 Jan 2008 at 01:19 pm

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Want to see the writers treated fairly? Want to get your favorite shows back on the air? Head HERE and see what you can do to help!

Posted by ryan on 15 Nov 2007 at 11:36 pm

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Posted by ryan on 11 Oct 2007 at 02:53 pm

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I’m looking at shit and it doesn’t fucking register.

Look, there’s my fingers on the keys. Each one with a bunch of lines and curves. This one is an S. Without it we would not be able to say snake. it would just be nake with some nonsense squiggle before it. The next one is an N. without that it would be ake with some lines and angles and curves in front. What the fuck is an ake?

I’m looking at the clock and I don’t understand it.

There’s a big hand and a little hand that means it’s somethign o’clock. Who decided it was something o’clock?

I’m solving for X and I don’t even fucking care.

X is apparently 2 or X is apparently moo or X is apparently you. That would be pretty cool if X was you. Then I could give you a hug.

I’m writing some crap to try and make sense of it.

If a train leaves Boise at 9:12 am and another train leaves Mars at 13:63 fm and another train leaves my brain sometime while I’m dreaming, solve for the constant of the universe. Anyone? Anyone?

X equals love.

Posted by nick on 06 Sep 2007 at 11:24 pm

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so if you haven’t gotten around to watching the women in prison/kung fu/lesbian sexfest/zombie movie that is Shadow: Dead Riot, you should probably do that quickly. it stars the guy from Candyman along with a bunch of chicks who look like they probably once posed for Suicide Girls, plus a couple of black chicks and a girl who i think might be a man. it’s about a women’s prison that’s haunted by the ghost of a voodoo practicing serial killer named Shadow (yes very scary, i know) and he was executed at the prison years before (spoiler alert: exploding electric chair scene) but vows to return from the dead and get revenge…or something.

it’s probably the best/worst piece of shit i’ve seen this year in that it has all the things that one would want in a movie (tits, kung fu, more tits, chicks with tats, voodoo rituals, blood, and guts, exploding serial killers) unfortunately the writer behind this piece of b-movie trash forgot the first lesson in making a good horror movie…leave out the plot. you already had me with zombies and women in prison…why would you want to try and create this pointless Star Wars-esque plot involving the villain Shadow being the father of our hero, the ass kicking Solitaire? all it did was slow everything down and force you to listen to the pointless dialogue instead of marveling at the shitty special effects and the scene where the chicks gets her heart ripped out. apparently an unrated cut of this movie exists…but netflix are pussies and don’t have it available. there were a couple of choice scenes that made me laugh my ass off, like the attack of the zombie baby and the flying kung fu kick final battle sequence…so i can’t really be too harsh.

 

anyways if you like zombie movies and boobs this is probably the movie you have been waiting your whole life for. also if you’d been wondering what the guy who played Candyman has been up to, well here’s your answer. so yeah Shadow Dead Riot is something i’d recommend to people who like shitty horror movies but just don’t be fooled by the preview that makes it seem like a grindhouse style movie from the 70s.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOFIFHQP84I

Posted by justin on 28 Aug 2007 at 08:30 am

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The lovely Mrs. Lewis found this mindblowing lawsuit against Michael Vick on The Superficial. Things look pretty grim for Vick - first dog fighting now arms dealing with Iran, microwave testing and use of drugs in a school zone… WTF Mike?!

Click the thumbnails to read the handwritten lawsuit seeking “$63 billion dollars backed by gold and silver“…

Posted by ryan on 16 Aug 2007 at 12:07 pm

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In a move reminiscent of Kitty Pryde sending her consciousness back in time to warn the X-Men of impending doom in the classic “Days of Future Past” story arc, Dick Cheney apparently attempted to warn us (by sending his future brain back to his 1994 body) of what would happen if we invaded Iraq. Perhaps the Dick will be overcome with guilt somewhere around 2009 when he realizes that his actions as VP sent the country hurtling towards the brink of destruction and in a final attempt to make good on a life of evil, he will use experimental science (perhaps a future pacemaker) to send himself back in time to undo what he had done.

So now we are the assholes for not listening.

Or perhaps he is just a dangerously destructive and criminally out of touch old-timer determined to take the whole world out with him.

Either way…

Posted by ryan on 15 Aug 2007 at 12:16 pm

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or
An introduction post draws near!

Hi, I’m Nick. I like video games and writing weird, corny things on the internet that attempt to be obnoxiously clever. Sometimes about video games, but sometimes sci-fi short stories, rambling almost-essays with nonsensical logic, and really short prose things that are sort of like poetry but actually are sort of totally opposite. Oh, look, here’s three of those things right now!

—

Transposed Lexicon

I woke up this morning and for some reason I was thinking in Japanese. I thought: This is so weird, I don’t even know Japanese. Of course, I didn’t know that’s what I was thinking because I don’t know Japanese.

Suddenly everything I wasn’t thinking was in Norwegian. If I would have been thinking it, I would have been thinking: Gosh, this is so weird. I don’t even know Norwegian. Of course, I don’t know Norwegian so I didn’t know that’s what I wasn’t thinking.

I went back to sleep an everything I dreamed was in Hindi. That was pretty awesome.

Then I woke up again and I was still thinking in Japanese. I wrote this poem in English but I didn’t understand a word of it and I can’t find a translator.

Will someone please tell me what this says?

—

Robokid

When you’re a little kid, you think you’re a robot. “I’m a robot!” you think. Your parents made you from spare parts in the basement. Your brain is made from discarded lengths of wire too short to connect anything and old light switch fixtures that don’t switch. Your muscles: a series of rusty pulleys. Your heart? A tape deck set in speed-dub.

It records everything in fast forward. It sucks it all up. In fast forward. It plays it all back. In fast forward. You live your life in slow motion, just to make up for it.

Suddenly, you’re not a kid anymore, and you realize your hand is a fucking blowtorch! “How could I not know this before?” you think. You wonder what your life would have been like if you had known. Think of all the things you could have fucking blowtorched. Campfires, lunch, pilot lights. That’s a lot of things you could have made hot!

You try to shift out of slow-mo, but alas, now the world is stuck in rewind.

—

Giant Fucking Hands

I have giant fucking hands.

Sometimes they smack people around even when I don’t want them to.

Especially when I don’t want them to.

I have these giant fucking hands and I have no idea how to use them. I can’t open doors or scratch my nose or masturbate or scratch your nose and I still can’t open doors.

I have these giant fucking hands and when I go to greet people I instead shake their everything and I crush them. I crush their everything.

I have these giant fucking hands and all I can do is cup them to make a bird bath. The water always runs out the bottom though which is sad because the birdies are so cute and I love them.

I have these giant fucking hands and I crush cute little birdies with my giant fucking love.

Hello how are you nice to meet you and OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS HANDS HE HAS GIANT FUCKING HANDS.

I have giant fucking hands and sometimes they smack people. But never when I want them to. Never ever when I want them to. Not even when I order a bagel and they take forever to even put it in the toaster. But oh. They are pretty busy. It’s okay. I’ll give them some more time. I understand. They are so busy.

Not even then.

Sometimes when it’s cold I go to the store to try on some gloves. They say one size fits all, but then I realize.

I have giant fucking hands.

—

If you didn’t like those then stick around because I’m gonna be talking about games a lot too (both video and board varieties). If you don’t like games then… Hopefully this post isn’t actually cursed intro post of charisma -2. I don’t know because I totally ran out of identify scrolls! I don’t know where else to go with that joke, so I’m going to stop typing now!

Posted by nick on 13 Aug 2007 at 06:28 pm

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